Chart Review 16/02/24
zzz... zz- oh wait no i did that last week
ATTENTION!! STUFF HAS HAPPENED!!The charts have officially been duped by some pretty famous sources this week, and it is my duty to track down each and every culprit. Even if it kills me.
You know the drill by now, I talk about any new entry I can find, whilst making disapproving comments about the Top 10, and pretending to care about certain artists to make it look like I'm trustworthy somewhat. But you know, that's kinda the thrill I get from doing these reviews. You never know what will breach the 40 nowadays, and this week is no exception.
In a week where two great British radio staples have abandoned us (Steve Wright for life reasons, and Jordan North because he can't be bothered), it feels potent to note that 4 of the 6 brand new names (plus 1 re-entrant for the japes) are the result of people not taking the releases dates seriously. And that's something not even a Made In Chelsea star can ruin. First up though, Noah Kahan is starting to get on my nerves. 7 weeks now for Sticky-Wicky-Flavoured-Seasoning and I am at the point where I'd be fine if someone else took over top spot by now. Only kidding of course. We all know it will be the intolerable Teddy Swims, or Benson Boone, another member of the "If I Make a Ballad, Everyone Will Like Me" class that just shouldn't run anymore. Especially given that Radio 2 have playlisted him now. The swines.
That isn't the only Kahan-related news for us to devour, as he felt like unleashing a pointless new version of his album, which inevitably results in one of the songs stabbing their way in for no reason. Forever is at 31, and is generic ballad stuff. At least he hasn't relied on someone else to get him there for once. You know, 1 out of 5 ain't bad, right? Right?RIGHT!?!?!?
Oh, and by the way, the album chart is just stupid this week. Nothing about it makes sense. Noah's at the top at the 36th attempt (I should be glad The Weeknd's Highlights has never made No.1.), midweek chart-leader Declan McKenna f***** it and enters at 3, Super Bowl-performer Usher's new one isn't even in the Top 20, and Zara Larsson's new one does so poorly (15) it causes On My Love to fall back down the chart. Honestly, you couldn't make it up. Oh, and Dizzee Rascal hasn't done very well, and The Last Dinner Party slip to 5. So you know, just your average week in the albums then.
At No.2 though, is a more controversial effort. Kanye West is the kinda guy that polarises opinion. On one hand, his early work is some of the finest hip-hop you will ever see, and he clearly still has that magic touch in today's market. On the other, well, he's an antisemitic jerk. Anything he does is bound to be problematic, and his first album of note since 2021's Donda fiasco is definitely one of 'em. Together with Ty Dolla $ign, he is a part of 'supergroup', erm... ¥$, and with it comes a debut efoort after what feels like FOREVER of teases and wheezes. Yeezy probably would've done better this week if he hadn't released said album on a Saturday, but that hasn't stopped the 3 hits he's allowed from creeping into the Top 20. Biggest of which is CARNIVAL, which starts with some sort of tribal chanting before dissolving into the usual tripe. Then there's BURN, which is too good to mention on print, so go listen to it for yourself. Oh, and BACK TO ME is Travis Scott's HYAENA but not as good. There, that's your essential Vultures 1 recap. I couldn't care less about this album. 12, 17, and 18 are the positions for these. Now to never mention these songs again. Presumably.
Apparently he's releasing a trilogy of Vultures every month, so good luck trying to make heads or tails of Kanye after this. Funny, it's been 20 years since he first charted with Through A Wire, a song where he raps with he jaw wired shut after a car accident. Did anyone think that back then, he would still be finding new ways to confuse us? Breathe if yes.
I didn't breathe, because I was not alive in 2004.
And in other news, Beyoncé's making country music. What do you mean you hadn't noticed? Come on, admit it, you're shocked as well. After popping up on a Super Bowl ad flogging Verzion communications, Ms. Knowles decided to jump lump two new songs out on Monday and hope for the best, announcing RENAISSANCE II to boot. Lesser effort 16 CARRIAGES narrowly fails to make the 40, down at 44, but most headlines will be spotlighted on TEXAS HOLD 'EM, mainly because Beyoncé has succumed to the great Morgan Wallen in the sky and has made a country song. Sorry, did I say country? I meant cowboy. 'Cause this is the most rowdy, gold-tinted, rootin-tootin banjo-fuelled effort to stab the Top 10 since Noah & The Whale's 5 Years Time. I think. Then again, that was 16 years ago, so I don't blame you for forgetting. Anyways, the streams for this have been RIDICULOUS, and so TEXAS HOLD 'EM shoots in at 9, at a stroke giving her a 22nd Top 10 hit, and preparing her for a crazy battle for the top next week. Given it's currently second to Noah Kahan's albatross of a smash, expect a duel to the death next week. In more ways than one.
By the way, Cruel Summer has now spent 25 weeks in the Top 10, and I am somehow OK with it. Maybe it's the salty tears I enjoyed after the Super Bowl, but it's probably just me. Not like I cared about the Kansas City Chiefs or anything, but it felt really smug to see them win again. Stuff that, 49ers!
The only other new entry is a poor, poor effort from one of pop's backmarkers. Love Island's finest Wes Nelson burst onto the scene with mad Top 3 success See Nobody, as has struggled to follow it up ever since. Only 2021's Nice To Meet Ya has breached the 40 in the past few years. You can probably alter that fact with the entry of Abracadabra, which sees Wes and Craig David noodle about for a couple minutes. And it SOOKS. I would say the other word, but apparently you can't say, well, SUX, so I've settled for SOOKS instead. If anything, that'll be my new catchphrase. What was I on about? Oh yeah, Wes Nelson. There's a good reason it's entered at 37, and it ain't because of the excess of purple on the cover.
Oh, and YG Marley has broke into the Top 5. Amazing scenes for reggae and all, but I feel like he's gonna be ignored this week, what will Beyoncé and all that. Maybe he can top the charts once ACR eventually shoots Noah Kahan stone dead.
And who could forget the Grammys, eh? Miley Cyrus nabbing Best Song (not enough for the Top 40, silly!), Taylor Swift winning everything but the autocue, Killer Mike grabbing three, then immediately getting arrested. Just your average awards ceremony then. Also there was Luke Combs, whose Top 30 cover of Fast Car inevitably meant he'd duet with the real Tracy Chapman, who is somehow still going.Good ol' Tracy turns 60 this year, and with this performance an ACR reset shoves Fast Car right back in at 38, it's first Top 100 spotting since 2015 and it's first Top 40 appearance since the great BGT harassment of 2011. Still a 1-hit wonder though.
Outside 'Da Best-Sellaz', and K-Trap, he of Warm fame, limps to 47 with Heaven and , clearly learning that iTunes success doesn't mean anything in this economy. Kenya Grace officially slips out for realsies, Radio 1 favourite Madison Beer finally makes chart inroads, with Make You Mine debuting at 50. Seriously, they've played Sweet Relief more than anyone else ever. NewEra go up to 55, which is definitely not confidence-derailing, Sia & Kylie's hotly-tipped collaboration is a flop, missing the mark by loads at 60, R&B loner Muni Long is at 62, the Hazbin Hotel tracks aren't Top 40 worthy it seems, Spotify Viral 50 challenger Shy Smith is new at 77, Megan Thee Stallion suddenly tiptoes heavily down to 89, and 100 sees the debut of DJO, whose TikTok-fuelled 2022 single End Of Beginning sneaks in at the bottom. Just a shame that I don't care about it.
Next week is one of those Guess Who? moments, as you attempt to wonder what artists will be in the 40 next time. Like Dua Lipa, whose follow-up to Houdini is called Training Session, and will be competing against Calvin Harris's latest dud, Dermot Kennedy 5-and-a-half minute opus, Clavish's rappy rap-rap, Vampire Weekend's grand return, and good old Potter Payper for chart supremacy. The albums will witness Kim Petras, IDLES, and Paloma Faith all clock each other with AK-47s and plan to assassinate each other in a way that sees no one come out on top. See you then.
(P.S. Just a few more weeks and The Killer's Mr. Brightside will have a spent a grand total of 400 weeks in the UK Top 100. Doesn't that make you feel great about the society at large? Doesn't it!?)
